Thursday, 15 January 2009
Need help with image editing?
For some reason I haven't been receiving comment notifications, so I removed that setting. I was going through my posted items on facebook and this cracked me up - again :D
Friday, 9 January 2009
The dating game
My friend Xander pointed out an interesting article called Let’s Not Get to Know Each Other Better about how dating has become uncommon, even unfashionable and that casual sex is not only acceptable but also quite trendy for this generation.
First off I think people have a general problem with the expectation of what a date entails. Girls are more likely to have a romantic notion of the actual concept. Dinner, a movie or a picnic in the park seem to be the typical Hollywood notion as described in the article of what a date is. I'm thinking guys rely on this notion and believe that's what women expect and stick to these traditional rituals.
It must be pretty nerve wrecking, asking a girl out and hoping you hit the "right spot" with your idea of a date. Putting a lot of effort into a date without a guaranteed success rate, might seem like too much effort and not worth the effort.
It's probably why we've moved from formal dates, like in the 50's where the guy, picked up the girl on their first date and introduced himself formally to the parents, to informal introductions at parties and clubs leading to casual sex on a first.
From experience and friends, the casual sex thing has happened to me twice, if the time span of 1-2 days is taken into account. Both times were through the friend's friends.
The first guy was one of my friend's best friend who initially predicted that we'd hit it off. Despite being the most attractive guy I've ever come across, he happened to be smart, witty, down to earth and extremely funny. Four things that really attract me.
The second time was one of my best friend's friends who was very attractive but i paid no further attention until we all went out and him and I spent 6-8 hours talking about everything and nothing. We clicked and it was great and we had a romantic relation until I left LA and had some semi long distance relation despite neither of us not wanting to be in a relationship.
Had I lived there, we'd have probably become a couple.
Despite my definition of casual sex, this only occurs when i see boyfriend potential in someone. If there hasn't been a mental connection, and a desire to get to know the person and "see how things go" (not meaning the goal is to become a couple), sex just does not occur.
Kissing is different for me. Kissing is a display of affection. I have made out with gay male friends and female friends. Kissing someone without expectations or knowing it won't go further is a way of having fun without no one involved getting hurt.
I'm going to measure the factor of intimacy with the factor of expectation that equals attachment/connection, meaning:
The less intimate you are with a person, the more unlikely it is to establish a profound connection.
I don't claim this to be a average rule, as I've only really been intimate with guys who I've been together with apart from the above mentioned and two exceptions, and two "friends" where sex didn't occur until after at least 8 months after knowing the person and a relationship was intended from my part.
Nonetheless, hook ups with friends isn't really what friends do in my book. I could imagine having sex with someone and becoming friends at some point, but hooking up with my male friends would be like hooking up with my brother.
I guess its really a question of the actual definition of friendship, but I've made it explicitly clear for many friends, that if we would have sex, I'd be awkward being friends afterwards, so its all about if you value a person more than sex.
Back to the article, I'd agree with It’s hard to even flirt with a girl without feeling obvious and embarrassed, since the greatest displays of cheesiness come from the pursuit, making it disgusting
As soon as we pursue, the manner we do it, becomes a matter of interpretation. The girl might be thinking, is this really the way Iwant to be wooed and we all know that one shitty pick up line can ruin the wooing ;)
As long as both parties, are open to see what might happen without any clear expectations expressed, no immediate decision needs to be taken. Don't define the rules, cause then you need to play the game.
Further, the game will probably end that same night and the option to get to know each other, is promptly ended.
I don't believe caring is creepy. I believe your circle of friends makes you think its creepy. I don't want to point out men, but then again, guys are generally called out for being pussy whipped or going to an extent to show their affection, that is viewed as desperation.
Pursuing getting laid that same night you meet a new girl, can be desperate - if you play it wrong, which means, making exactly that obvious for her.
Don't let her know, she's got you eating out her hand, because you lose control. If she realizes you're not pursuing her, she won't feel pressured and she's not forced to decline. Show you're interested as the attention satisfies most girls.
Small signs of appreciation are always appreciated, like having a guy in a store draw a flower on a receipt.
I'm a sucker for LA men..or my friends and the guys I've met there, who open doors for me. I'm not used to it, so I feel uncomfortable but flattered by old fashion chivalry.
“Every generation thinks they discovered sex.” Which might be true, but I’m not sure any previous generation has our plethora of options and utter lack of protocol. This may reflect how our media obsession has desensitized and hypersexualized us.
Agreed, unless you're traditional and think giving it up the first night, is a negative outcome, resulting in uncertainty because the guy doesn't think you want more than just plain sex or aren't worth being pursued even if you're generally interested.
I've been the traditional type, until my 2 exceptions. I'd now say, I give it up when I think a guy has gotten to know me well enough and make a fair judgment of what I'm like as a person, not how good I might give head.
That also means, i give it up when i genuinely like someone and i want them to be aware of that.
My first casual hookup, was IMO ruined, due to the lack of time we had to get to know each other. But mistakes, create valuable lessons!
I wonder if anyone even gets to the end of this post..
/Jasmin Fischer
First off I think people have a general problem with the expectation of what a date entails. Girls are more likely to have a romantic notion of the actual concept. Dinner, a movie or a picnic in the park seem to be the typical Hollywood notion as described in the article of what a date is. I'm thinking guys rely on this notion and believe that's what women expect and stick to these traditional rituals.
It must be pretty nerve wrecking, asking a girl out and hoping you hit the "right spot" with your idea of a date. Putting a lot of effort into a date without a guaranteed success rate, might seem like too much effort and not worth the effort.
It's probably why we've moved from formal dates, like in the 50's where the guy, picked up the girl on their first date and introduced himself formally to the parents, to informal introductions at parties and clubs leading to casual sex on a first.
From experience and friends, the casual sex thing has happened to me twice, if the time span of 1-2 days is taken into account. Both times were through the friend's friends.
The first guy was one of my friend's best friend who initially predicted that we'd hit it off. Despite being the most attractive guy I've ever come across, he happened to be smart, witty, down to earth and extremely funny. Four things that really attract me.
The second time was one of my best friend's friends who was very attractive but i paid no further attention until we all went out and him and I spent 6-8 hours talking about everything and nothing. We clicked and it was great and we had a romantic relation until I left LA and had some semi long distance relation despite neither of us not wanting to be in a relationship.
Had I lived there, we'd have probably become a couple.
Despite my definition of casual sex, this only occurs when i see boyfriend potential in someone. If there hasn't been a mental connection, and a desire to get to know the person and "see how things go" (not meaning the goal is to become a couple), sex just does not occur.
Kissing is different for me. Kissing is a display of affection. I have made out with gay male friends and female friends. Kissing someone without expectations or knowing it won't go further is a way of having fun without no one involved getting hurt.
I'm going to measure the factor of intimacy with the factor of expectation that equals attachment/connection, meaning:
The less intimate you are with a person, the more unlikely it is to establish a profound connection.
I don't claim this to be a average rule, as I've only really been intimate with guys who I've been together with apart from the above mentioned and two exceptions, and two "friends" where sex didn't occur until after at least 8 months after knowing the person and a relationship was intended from my part.
Nonetheless, hook ups with friends isn't really what friends do in my book. I could imagine having sex with someone and becoming friends at some point, but hooking up with my male friends would be like hooking up with my brother.
I guess its really a question of the actual definition of friendship, but I've made it explicitly clear for many friends, that if we would have sex, I'd be awkward being friends afterwards, so its all about if you value a person more than sex.
Back to the article, I'd agree with It’s hard to even flirt with a girl without feeling obvious and embarrassed, since the greatest displays of cheesiness come from the pursuit, making it disgusting
As soon as we pursue, the manner we do it, becomes a matter of interpretation. The girl might be thinking, is this really the way Iwant to be wooed and we all know that one shitty pick up line can ruin the wooing ;)
As long as both parties, are open to see what might happen without any clear expectations expressed, no immediate decision needs to be taken. Don't define the rules, cause then you need to play the game.
Further, the game will probably end that same night and the option to get to know each other, is promptly ended.
I don't believe caring is creepy. I believe your circle of friends makes you think its creepy. I don't want to point out men, but then again, guys are generally called out for being pussy whipped or going to an extent to show their affection, that is viewed as desperation.
Pursuing getting laid that same night you meet a new girl, can be desperate - if you play it wrong, which means, making exactly that obvious for her.
Don't let her know, she's got you eating out her hand, because you lose control. If she realizes you're not pursuing her, she won't feel pressured and she's not forced to decline. Show you're interested as the attention satisfies most girls.
Small signs of appreciation are always appreciated, like having a guy in a store draw a flower on a receipt.
I'm a sucker for LA men..or my friends and the guys I've met there, who open doors for me. I'm not used to it, so I feel uncomfortable but flattered by old fashion chivalry.
“Every generation thinks they discovered sex.” Which might be true, but I’m not sure any previous generation has our plethora of options and utter lack of protocol. This may reflect how our media obsession has desensitized and hypersexualized us.
Agreed, unless you're traditional and think giving it up the first night, is a negative outcome, resulting in uncertainty because the guy doesn't think you want more than just plain sex or aren't worth being pursued even if you're generally interested.
I've been the traditional type, until my 2 exceptions. I'd now say, I give it up when I think a guy has gotten to know me well enough and make a fair judgment of what I'm like as a person, not how good I might give head.
That also means, i give it up when i genuinely like someone and i want them to be aware of that.
My first casual hookup, was IMO ruined, due to the lack of time we had to get to know each other. But mistakes, create valuable lessons!
I wonder if anyone even gets to the end of this post..
/Jasmin Fischer
Tuesday, 6 January 2009
About relationships
If you think, that by removing all factors that complicate your relationship with your loves ones, is a way to "work things out", you're wrong. It will mend things temporarily, but not long term.
If you believe just because you love - or better said you're "in love" with someone, they're the right one for you, you're wrong.
Love is a process we work on. It's not free, because those who receive love, receive it from people who have the capacity to give.
We do not help by nurturing the insecurities and fears our loved ones have, by assimilating to their expectations; we eradicate them by doing what they don't like and showing them how little it should matter.
The first 6 months love is chemistry, based on sexual desire. After that, love is a matter of insight. We are familiar with what we desire and need to explore what we know even further, instead of searching for new conquests.
If you are with someone and everyone around you doubts that person is right for you, make a list of advantages and disadvantages.
If you want to be with your loved one, because you love them but don't know why you love them, you should deliberate about the decision you are making.
If you can't spontaneously list why you love someone, you are complacent, not in love.
As a generous, giving and caring person, you need to focus on what makes you happy just as much as what makes your loved ones happy. If you end up giving, without receiving, you will feel depleted and negative emotions will take over.
The level of depletion is higher if you have more insecurities.
If you're a selfish person, you need to focus on giving and not taking, You will receive what you give a hundred times more if you give willingly and it is a lesson that is amazing to learn.
By giving unconditionally, you create the opportunity of replenishing the deficiencies of other people and allowing them to give back to you and other . without feeling they are sacrificing something.
They will give, because they know they will "receive" it back. I don't say "get" because its not a trade. You don't give in order to receive.
I've had some emotional turbulences myself right now, hence this post.
/Jasmin Fischer
If you believe just because you love - or better said you're "in love" with someone, they're the right one for you, you're wrong.
Love is a process we work on. It's not free, because those who receive love, receive it from people who have the capacity to give.
We do not help by nurturing the insecurities and fears our loved ones have, by assimilating to their expectations; we eradicate them by doing what they don't like and showing them how little it should matter.
The first 6 months love is chemistry, based on sexual desire. After that, love is a matter of insight. We are familiar with what we desire and need to explore what we know even further, instead of searching for new conquests.
If you are with someone and everyone around you doubts that person is right for you, make a list of advantages and disadvantages.
If you want to be with your loved one, because you love them but don't know why you love them, you should deliberate about the decision you are making.
If you can't spontaneously list why you love someone, you are complacent, not in love.
As a generous, giving and caring person, you need to focus on what makes you happy just as much as what makes your loved ones happy. If you end up giving, without receiving, you will feel depleted and negative emotions will take over.
The level of depletion is higher if you have more insecurities.
If you're a selfish person, you need to focus on giving and not taking, You will receive what you give a hundred times more if you give willingly and it is a lesson that is amazing to learn.
By giving unconditionally, you create the opportunity of replenishing the deficiencies of other people and allowing them to give back to you and other . without feeling they are sacrificing something.
They will give, because they know they will "receive" it back. I don't say "get" because its not a trade. You don't give in order to receive.
I've had some emotional turbulences myself right now, hence this post.
/Jasmin Fischer
Saturday, 3 January 2009
Potentially
You stop by my door every day,
like the sun shines through my window
You sweep me off my feet
before I manage to retreat
Like playing hide and seek
we live in the constant now
the small hidden smiles
potentially show how much we care
I'm confident about saving myself
for someone as sweet as you
but being together might not be meant to be
and my thoughts begin to linger..
Only when the sun goes down
and our ways part and we go to sleep
We realize painfully being together
will draw us apart
Confidence takes the lead at day
and alone, insecurity leads to doubt
Caught in our love and loyalty,
we might lose track of who we're meant to be
I'm confident about saving myself
for someone as sweet as you
but being together might not be meant to be
and my thoughts begin to linger..
Caught in my dreams, I wonder if we walked those walks
and had Starbucks, accompanied by everlasting talks
Enthralled, I run away from being attached
But besides you, I'm like a hurricane
I'll share my cigarette to find the time
to figure out what you'll do in love
to really really hurt me
Not so much scared of the pain,
but of you and I and the suspense of our good byes
I'm confident about saving myself
for someone as sweet as you
but being together might not be meant to be
and my thoughts begin to linger..
I'm not a fan of posting my personal poetry online despite a lot being published ages ago. I showed this to Jeff. Wrote it a week ago in 20 min and am quite satisfied fr being the first effort in years.
Having another wave of creativity right now and am writing...feeling quite self conscious nonetheless ;)
/Jasmin Fischer
like the sun shines through my window
You sweep me off my feet
before I manage to retreat
Like playing hide and seek
we live in the constant now
the small hidden smiles
potentially show how much we care
I'm confident about saving myself
for someone as sweet as you
but being together might not be meant to be
and my thoughts begin to linger..
Only when the sun goes down
and our ways part and we go to sleep
We realize painfully being together
will draw us apart
Confidence takes the lead at day
and alone, insecurity leads to doubt
Caught in our love and loyalty,
we might lose track of who we're meant to be
I'm confident about saving myself
for someone as sweet as you
but being together might not be meant to be
and my thoughts begin to linger..
Caught in my dreams, I wonder if we walked those walks
and had Starbucks, accompanied by everlasting talks
Enthralled, I run away from being attached
But besides you, I'm like a hurricane
I'll share my cigarette to find the time
to figure out what you'll do in love
to really really hurt me
Not so much scared of the pain,
but of you and I and the suspense of our good byes
I'm confident about saving myself
for someone as sweet as you
but being together might not be meant to be
and my thoughts begin to linger..
I'm not a fan of posting my personal poetry online despite a lot being published ages ago. I showed this to Jeff. Wrote it a week ago in 20 min and am quite satisfied fr being the first effort in years.
Having another wave of creativity right now and am writing...feeling quite self conscious nonetheless ;)
/Jasmin Fischer
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